The New Boredom

Have you heard of all this “Twilight” business?

Well, I hadn’t until maybe a few weeks ago. I had heard some vague grumblings about it and something to do with vampires but that was my understanding of it. Then seemingly out of no where the sequel comes out and smashes box office records. See this came as a shock to me because I thought the first one came out like two months ago. It seemed like a silly rate to make sequels but as it turns out, I just live under a big rock (well, in a weirdo-isolated community from the real world, ironically named Boulder).

But it’s all coming together now. I am starting to understand why that Kristen Stewart girl is so famous now. I had just assumed she must be Rod Stewart’s niece or something. Also that guy that plays the sparkly vampire that she bones in the movies or something, but also bones in real life, but creeps me out because they look like brother and sister to me, he’s also apparently big time shit now.

Well despite the fact that I lack, at least on outside appearances, a budding vagina and a slew of 15 year old female friends, I thought I was going to have to break down and see these twilighty movies just to at least get myself educated on something so culturally significant. The whole know thy enemy thing.But that would cost money and I lack the patience to download movies from the internets (plus, shame on that, right? uhh… yeah).

So thank the lordy-gods that some one decided to translate the entire Twilight saga up to now into a language and medium that I can understand: lolcats.

http://microsuede.blogspot.com/2009/11/movie-review-twilight-saga-new-moon.html

I feel like I’m all up to speed now. It was worth it.

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Kids is pimps too, go on brush your shoulders off.

I’d like to call the grandest of shananagins on the trailers for The Road. Both of them are basically 100% bullshit.

This is possibly the single worst trailer in the history of movies. (Yes, I’ve seen the one for Beverly Hills Chihuahua.) That music sounds like some ham-fisted oaf in the vein of Danny Elfman wanted to spoon feed you suspense. “Open up, here comes the rocket ship shaped spoon with a big load of clumsy tension ready for space-mouth dock!” Fuck off. And the flash cuts, those awful titles, the embarrassing stock news footage, literally every scene with Charlize Theron… it’s as if they were trying to show you everything the real movie is not.

Then trailer 2 came out and it had more horns! And Robert Duvall! And Angels! And Fucking Explosions! And Fire!!!! And did literally not a damn thing to show you what the movie would be like. Shame on you studio for putting out that garbage. People looking for that kind of cheese dick action-thriller are going to be pissed when they get 5 minutes into the movie and realize that they are going to have to work for this movie- oops, 2012 is playing across the hall where it smells like Doritos and Axe body douche.

I’m glad to see some people who write for much more popular bogs than this thinking the same things as me.

I was afraid this big-screen version would tarnish the subtle landscape, the sparse construction, the hope and hopelessness that exists in such a perfect balance within the novel. But it didn’t. It doesn’t. The Road enhances its forebear. The film uses the novel as scaffolding, support around which to construct something admirably similar, but wholly unique.

and

And when, in flashback, the father says goodbye to his wife as she is swallowed by the ink of night as flecks of grey ash float in the air… It’s just maddening.

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Kitty rock star, sure why not. Bye, November.

All the haters are standing on ground softer and less stable than some sort of water-bed/hammock mutant hybrid. I’ve yet to hear one reasonable reason as to why this movie does not just kick a thousand asses.

Sorry for being short. Like Skee-lo, I wish I was a little bit taller.

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This week I’m burning the candle from both ends. And it’s starting to show in my words that fly out of my mouth.

Like this morning, for example, I went to the coffee shop upstairs from my office and ordered some green tea. The lady at the register says they have some new green tea that’s “really good” and “full of anti-oxidants.”

And I said, “Good, I fucking hate oxidants.”

She seemed surprised. Almost as if she were thinking “Well jeez, I mean oxidants aren’t that bad. I mean sure they can be annoying and maybe not take the hint that you’re in a hurry and you don’t really have time to chat right now but they just keep talking but I mean that’s no reason to really hate them.”

But you know what, she was right. It was really good. And I assume full of anti-oxidants.

14+ hour days are for the birds. I want a break already.

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huh?

Too many drugs = possible.

Too many drugs = bad.

You can’t tell me that abusing drugs doesn’t make you at least dance like a prick and wear tortoise shell cut out tee shirts. There’s a difference between the free spirited, dance like no one’s watching, flailing limb child dance… and whatever the shit that guy is doing with his life.

Yeah, yeah, I know correlation is not causation but come on.

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Some one get a pair of these for Lil’ John.