The New Boredom

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Archive for the ‘I Don’t Get It’ Category

I Don’t Get It: Local Foots-balls Game!

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There’s an extra 15 thousand people in town today clogging up traffic and parking poorly all over the place for what I’m told is some sort of big foots-balls game. I wasn’t entirely sure what that was exactly, but there’s a lot of overweight fans of this sport-game waddling their way about town with their soon to be overweight offspring close in tow. After some googling, I learned that this is quite the popular sporting event with many thousands of people attending each scrimmage at colleges across this country. I also learned that my local sporting team is quite terrible. Which lead to my question: why would so many people be fans of such a sub-par outfit? Who would want to identify with (literally) losers?

I put on my Science-ing Hat and got to work after submitting my Haiku for the Sunday/Etnies Aaron Ross bike contest. History has taught me that in order to understand a new concept, I must attempt to fit this strange new idea into the framework of an already understood and accepted paradigm. And what do I understand better than being a hipster? Nothing. That’s what.

Searching for that answer quickly turned up this article care of Psychology Today that essentially sums up “the essence of being a hipster [is] Pretending you aren’t one.” No one likes hipsters, not even other hipsters.

This video has been posted here before but unless you understand histerism, a lot of these jokes are neutered.

I’m afraid that like the undercover cop who has to shoot heroin in order to gain the trust of the drug cartel that he is infiltrating only to become the kind of junkie that he once and still hates, my venture into being an undercover hipster has resulted in me becoming a self loathing hipster myself. Oh, rue! Rue!

I shall have to take solace in the fact that I have yet to leave the house wearing a giant purple knit sweater with jeggings and loafers and a felt fedora.

But these foots-ball fans all seem to like each other. The one-man-wolf-pack hipster snarls at the sight of another hipster but a foots-ball fan raises their hand in Chad-ly high five approval of another foots-ball fan passing by. Dammit, Science-ing Hat, you’ve looked good on my head this afternoon, but you haven’t helped me understand foots-ball fan-dom. If anything, Science-ing Hat, you’ve made me understand my own identity less!

Wait… it’s coming together: Hipsters = losers. Then who would want to hang out with a bunch of losers? And yet, I hang out with some questionable hipster-types. Rhetorical question: Why would I do this?! Real answer: I am indeed a loser myself. If the transitive property applies across hipsters and foots-ball fans alike, then these fans of losers must also be losers.

Man, this city sucks today.


Maybe Skynet will get rid of all of us losers?

I’d just go ahead and take the rest of the day off from work if I saw that on my printer.


Written by photokevo

September 19, 2010 at 12:01 am